The-Wasted-Youth

Hey, guys I just want to create the ultimate update. At first I wanted to create an angry revenge post but this just me reflecting on my life. I know I’ve seemed melodramatic these days and sort of crazy but I want to tell a story.

The story I want to tell is about this person I know. a.k.a. my ex. Before I wanted to act like she didn’t exist, but I think it’s good that she did because she helped me learn something about relationships and honesty. So even though she has done some bad things to me and has made me feel really awful earlier in this month, I just want to thank her in a weird way.

This story will have people in it from my life and online experience but I will not give any real names.

This is about assertion, dependency and relationships.

 

So a long time ago I was a part of the “chipmunks” fandom. It was a fandom based on having a chipmunk character. I was in it since 2010 and left around 2013-2014, So I was in it for 3 to 4 years.

Now pretty much the way this fandom works is that you make characters that are based on the characters in Alvin and the chipmunks. This type of thing usually consisted of people making videos with the characters “singing” with pitched songs and having character art on here (deviantArt).

 

So anyways let’s fast forward to 2012, this was when I met … let’s call her… Mellissa.

I met Mellissa on YouTube, now back in those days YouTube had a different type of design for users that owned YouTube channels. Back then you could decorate your channel in different colors and transparencies. Like it was really cute and most people in the fandom had their ocs as their backgrounds and stuff.

But anyways Mellissa really thought I was super cool, this being of course because I was the second most popular person in this fandom (and I had dope characters). Mellissa would roleplay with me on my page and she told me how she looked up to me very much.

I also had another friend, we will call her Lola, who I met before I knew Mellissa. Lola and I were really close and roleplayed a lot as well. She was very protective of me though and over time did not like me and Mellissa’s relationship.

Continuing from that sidenote, because this more so about me and Mellissa, we were becoming buddies and I considered her apart of my circle. We even had created our first couple! We would rp them all the time non-stop until one day they eased into sexual territory, which was something I never really did unless it was with Lola. Even then it was only like once or twice prior to me and Mellissa.

I mention this because Mellissa and I had a pattern of roleplaying hours on hours of mostly smut. I think it is what caused our unhealthy dynamic.

Anywho, Melissa went by the name “Cookie” initially when she was first online because she didn’t want people to know her actually identity. That’s reasonable. So Melissa also had a deviant art account where she was sharing it with two other people she apparently went to school with.

I eventually fell for her friend “Hayden”. Hayden was the sweetest boy and we had crushes on eachother and to my memory we dated. Of course this was for a short instance due to Mellissa coming clean one day and telling everyone in the fandom that she was pretending to be Brooke and Hayden.

Lola was not a fan of Mellissa and told me to stay away from her after this incident. But, I did not.

 

After a long time, that incident had died down I forgave Mellissa, and we became friends again.

Earlier in the fandom the mandatory social media accounts you needed were just YouTube and deviantArt, but then everyone started making Facebook accounts for their characters. I know it’s crazy haha.

I think mine was created sometime in late 2012 or early 2013, perhaps even mid.

Further down the line towards that time I and Mellissa hung out on Facebook. Our characters would get into whacky adventures and scenarios all the time. We also had many relationships from bestfriends to married couples. There was a bit of drama between me and Lola though because most of Mellissa’s characters were having more fun with her and some even choosing hers over Lola.

We were kids so looking at this now I can see how stupid this all was but there were strong emotions during this time.

Lola eventually ended up being a troubling friend for me because there were times where she would be highly emotional and stress me out severely. I would even say she used tactics of emotionally abusive people during those days out of her protection of me and hatred for Mellissa. She isn’t like that now though, she’s changed so much, just like myself. Lola is the sweetest person now and is one of my best friends online! She and I have had so many falling outs bbut our friendship was true and has lasted the test of time.

Sorry about the tangents haha. But anyways me and Mellissa over time became more secluded and our need to roleplay with other people eventually started dying out especially when we started dating. This was partially due to the fact the fandom was dying out and more and more people just didn’t do the chipmunk thing anymore.

Eventually our characters became humans though. I’m not sure if this was before we were dating or after.

Now I didn’t really have any feelings for Mellissa. She was just my favorite roleplay buddy from the fandom. So, Mellissa was the one that asked me out. She told me she had a crush on me before and we sort of knew she liked me but I do remember when she asked me out I said yes.

This was in 2013 and our relationship was… simple. We roleplayed but had small talk about other stuff. We were 13-14 so our needs and wants from eachother weren’t really that big of issue at the time. But most of our time was spent roleplaying, not talking about our other interests, so we didn’t quite outgrow the fandom like other people.

Most people that did, they stopped roleplaying or have human characters or vanished off the face of the internet. But we never stopped roleplaying. Our characters had the same memories and stories since 2012.

Lola and I had stopped talking for a long time, so she wasn’t there to bother me and Mellissa.

Some bad cycles had developed in our relationship though.

At first things were fine. I didn’t mind that we roleplayed way too much on Messenger. The replies were instant, hardly any breaks and we were having fun.

But you do know as people mature they start noticing things. As much as I adored Mellissa I would often try to break us up.

Mellissa was… sweet but ultimately very annoying. As I always knew but put up with, Mellissa was self-centered. I don’t think she was self-aware enough to know it though. In one of our last exchanges she described me as being cold, so maybe I just think it’s okay to keep to yourself at times.

But Mellissa was talkative, self-absorbed, friendly and slightly vapid. She’s into YouTubers like jack and markiplier, dan and phil, jenna marbles etc. I’m more into politics, animation analysis and film theory.

Mellissa was also very performative and open, where I am reserved and mind my business. She also has a way stronger memory than me, which I admire haha my memory is terrible.

Back to the story, Mellissa and I had little to nothing in common so it made it hard for us to talk about certain subjects. We also would do things that annoyed the other or would upset them.

I for instance would get sick of Mellissa always talking about things that she fully understood but I didn’t (Jack lore, Dan and Phil, stories from school with people I don’t really know). She would tell long “funny stories” I couldn’t quite follow or they weren’t as funny as she thought they were. I probably came across as cold or disinterested when I replied with “small talk” or something meaningless.

And if I talked about the things I liked she couldn’t really muster up anything intelligent about it either. It was usually something weak or halfassed, unless it was about politics she understood.

 

The point is we were not compatible. On video chats or voice chats she would often talk over me or never seemed to be listening unless she was talking. She would always tell me she was trying to get better at listening to me and not ignoring me on calls but she never did. After a while I would get sick of her doing the same things over again that bothered me. Sometimes I’d simply not respond, reply back disinterested or if I was really upset I would block her.

They were mean things but Mellissa would never listen to the things I wanted. I told her we should talk more and not rp so much and she would agree, but we always ended up back at stage 1.

But I always felt this guilty feeling while I was with Mellissa. She was way too simple and “nice” to be with someone like me. I consider myself to be more “complicated” and “mean” than her. She laughed and enjoyed very simple things and I just didn’t I guess.

 

I’d always propose to Mellissa that we should break up but she would never let me do it. She would always get upset and break down. She would always tell me she is trying to be better or any number of things. It would make me feel guilty and sorry for her so I stayed.

Mellissa was always so desperate for me to stay even though we were incompatible. She would talk about me to everyone and always made sure her social media descriptions showed she was in a relationship.

I had thought this was sweet initially because she was proud of me, but looking at it now she was just using me. I remember Mellissa had told me once that if I wasn’t her girlfriend she most likely wouldn’t have one. That made me feel special in a way but also like I was obligated to stay with her.

There was even this one time we were watching a yaoi and two characters were having a conflict where the one man was trying to call things off but the other one grabbed him. He wanted them to be together. Mellissa started crying and I could hear it in her voice, when I asked her what was wrong she told me the scene reminded her of us because the uke was trying to run away from the relationship when things got hard.

Sometimes when things get hard you have to break up though. Mellissa never seemed to get this and I felt trapped. I tried my best to be assertive without being too hurtful but perhaps I should’ve put my foot down and called it off when I initially wanted it.

 

 

Although we didn’t have much in common I still valued her attention and intimacy. But we just were not compatible at all.

 

Our relationship was built off of roleplay. Without it we could not hold a decent conversation.

 

And sadly we grew addicted to it more than anything. If one did not reply right away the energy felt off, or if one of us didn’t talk that day the other would get worried. But we talked nearly every day and most of those hours weren’t us talking but our characters. And like I stated previously they had plenty of sex.

 

We would get a rush of dopamine almost everyday. I became so numb to it I could just sit and roleplay smut without it making me want to touch myself. I became numb to a lot of sexual things actually. But the smut and romance still made me feel good.

 

 

 

 

Once we got to college things started to change for us. This was around 2017, the year we broke up. Our schedules were clashing and our roleplays were falling out of sync because of this. I started to feel worried. I remember telling her I wanted a break and I think she agreed. I noticed that once our roleplays started dying she wasn’t talking to me as often. She did feel the need to tell me about how much fun her character was doing on tumblr which was fine, even though we stopped doing character related things after a while. I decided to confront her about it:

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I felt like I was too dependent on Mellissa’s company. She was a very safe place for me as a girlfriend, but things got too unhealthy because I couldn’t go too long without her replying to me, I didn’t have other people to go to like she eventually did on Tumblr and I kept being clingy so I took it to an extreme.

Over time I had gotten myself together. I wasn’t yearning for her messages and I didn’t have to always get an instant reply, it was great! I could live without being addicted to Mellissa!

 

I decided to greet her on her birthday after some months and she was very cold. She told me she was not ready to talk to me yet which left it open, I just had to wait. But this month I found her YouTube channel and noticed she had a video that mentioned me in it. I decided to confront her about as I felt like her energy was passive aggressive.

We had a long conversation that had me in tears. She told me I was cold, manipulative and much more in our relationship. She told me that she was bettering herself and didn’t want me in her life at the moment. I was very passive and wasn’t very confrontational at all, letting her say what she needed. I was pathetic and overly apologetic. She also told me that her mom hated me and that she has new bestfriend who is her soulmate. They love all the same things and their characters were meant for eachother. It really upset me and I was in shambles. She clearly did not care about me anymore… for the moment. Right?

She did agree that there might be a possibility of us being friends again in the future but not now.

 

During that instance I let her get out what she needed to say and she was not very forgiving. And for a while I felt like I deserved it.

 

I couldn’t sleep right, I was crying manically and not eating good either. I was in full self-loathing. I tried to ask my friends for advice, I vented and cried to so many people. I tried not to hate Mellissa because when I blocked Mellissa she must have had to been hurt too. This was my turn to hurt.

 

I had a dream about Mellissa though recently after this event and I just had to see if she was doing okay. She had blocked me though so I couldn’t reach her, so I reached her friend and asked to see how she was doing. I was very pathetic in this message as well, and I even told him to block me.

He told me I didn’t deserve to talk to her and she didn’t want to see me ever again. He also blocked me, hehe. Ouch right? Haha, it doesn’t hurt anymore but that made me lose my mind. I was even more upset and crying to eve more people. I was on the phone for hours annoying my friends. If it was too late to talk to friends or if they were busy I would call the Suicide Hotline. If it was really bad I’d TEXT, the Crisis Hotline. I was so dramatic.

I know what you’re thinking, “Chantie!? Are you okay doll?”

Yes. I’m fine. But imagine losing someone you were attached to and depended on for 5 years only to see you’ve been replaced by someone who’s actually more ideal for them. You’d probably go crazy too haha.

But anyways I tried doing what my friends and hotline people told me and distract myself. I helped my mom set up for a birthday party on Saturday and of course even though I was busy, Mellissa was in my head. I couldn’t shake the feeling that there was nothing I could do to get her back.

 

But then I thought of something.. I started asking myself questions. Like, why would you stay with a manipulative asshole for 5 years but beg them to stay with you every time THEY want to break up? Why put up with someone who’s so spoiled they come across as cold? It’s not like they were begging you to be with them just so they can use you.

The more questions I asked the more I got upset. Oooo, I wished I could confront her and this time I was not going to be pathetic. I was going to speak my truth!

I was not sad anymore but confused. I read through our old texts and even found a message on my phone I was going to give to her but never did because it was so angry:

sta.sh/22gix4rypaaf

After looking through those messages something clicked.

 

I was used.

 

Mellissa was staying with me for roleplays and just to use me as a status symbol.

 

And once she sucked my fruit dry there was no need to revisit me. I had an idealized version of someone in my head and I let that control my feelings for days.

 

And for what reason? They replaced me within a year and don’t want nothing to do with me.

But I saw this coming the whole time.

 

I am over this whole drama but the real lesson here is that you have to be honest with your feelings and assert yourself when you think a relationship isn’t working right or is unhealthy. Always do what is best for you and do not cling onto people for the wrong reasons because that can get you hurt, especially if you’re as sensitive as me.

 

Initially, I had wanted to type a really heated letter and sent it to Mellissa but Lola talked me out of it and said it’s better to just live my life. And she’s right, I should just leave her to her new world she’s created.

To anyone dealing with issues with their partner, if trouble keeps repeating being assertive or breakup with them.

 

To the desperate people out there, Just let people break up with you the first time okay? People don’t like wasting their time for 5 years. Hehe.

And don’t get upset everytime your partner has an issue in the relationship. Get a backbone and stop making people feel sorry for you.

 

Thanks for Reading. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I was right the whole time.  

I can't believe this shit I'm so mad.  

hey guys. sorry about that last journal, i'm going to go to therapy and i had called the suicide hotline tonight. 

don't be worried though. i'm not suicidal i'm just going through a crisis that i'll get over. <3 

Yo, I've done all I could have possibly done to try and fix this mess.

I know that I didn't do some things right but I know good and damn well I'm not some motherfuckin' psycho.

I'm done worrying about this. All this shit I saw on your Twitter about "I hope my ex isn't playing the victim now" or sayin I don't go around making it seem like you're the toxic one or that I'm a "drake would never.." type girl.

I didn't. I'm not fucking hateful at all and I've never been. I haven't even told many people about you AND the ones that I did. Guess what? I told them not to hate you. But guess I shouldn't have cared so much about making up with you or being your friend again.

I've even told my mom about this whole mess and she don't hate you.

I've never hated you. But since you want to go around and have this clear disdain in your heart like I'm some sort of snake or something then fine, "fuck you".

I hope you're happy and I hope you and you soulmate are too. 

5 years of friendship gone just like that and I'm done trying to be the bigger person. 

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check me out!! :3